Hearts & Flowers

Valentines day. Today everyone celebrated love with hearts and flowers. Today I feel my loss is magnified. Today I think about the heart that stopped beating inside me. I think about the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside. I am surrounded by people celebrating ‘love’ and I feel like not one of them really know what love is.

“..imagine a love so strong it made saying hello and goodbye in the same day worth all the pain..”

On October 28, 2016 we welcomed Lucia Grace Cacilhas at 11:34am into the world. She was 4lbs 12.2oz and 19 inches long. She was so beautiful. It broke my heart that she was so perfect. I’m ashamed to admit that I wasn’t sure if I could hold her, not for lack of wanting to, but because I knew that I would have to let her go. I am so glad that I did hold her and as crazy as it sounds I would do it all again just to hold her. She showed me a love that surpasses death. She showed me that love never dies. True love. Not the love they sell on greeting cards.

It’s hard to find the words, even now to this day. But I can tell you this. After finding out that our baby’s heart was no longer beating, I went to my car and called my husband. I sat in the car for what felt like a lifetime before I worked up the courage to feel I was okay to drive home from the doctor’s office. In that moment, as I was pulling out of the parking spot a car came quickly around the bend and the old man beeped his horn at me. No patience. I wanted to put my car in park and scream at him. I wanted to tell him that this was possibly the worst day of my life. I wanted to tell him that he had no idea what kind of news I had just been given on this normal Thursday morning. But most of all I wanted him to realize that he affected others around him and tell him to be kind. For weeks after and still to this day, I look at random people and wonder what battles they are fighting.

Not even a week after Lucia was born I had gone to get more blood work done for my family doctor. It was kind of a big deal for me since I had insisted I drive myself. I’ll admit that I have always shamelessly sang to the radio when I am in the car by myself, but when I was pregnant I felt like I was singing to Lucia. That day I turned off the radio and drove to the medical lab in silence, in tears. I didn’t realize how hard everything would be. Because for the first time in months I was truly alone. Empty inside. I still remember as I was leaving after having my blood work a blonde lady smiling at me as I crossed paths with her on the sidewalk. It was just what I needed in that moment. And when I went to Walmart for the first time I drove by a boy who was cutting the grass wearing a motocross helmet. He was probably eight or ten years old. He smiled and gave me a thumbs up. The smallest gestures would make my day.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around” – Leo Buscaglia

Lucia has shown me that the little things in life have the biggest meaning.

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