And so I’ve learned that life goes on, whether we want it to or not, regardless of whether we are ready to move forward. Every day I struggle with ‘what’s next?’ and ‘where do I go from here?’. Before I never imagined a future where we would have to leave our baby girl behind, and yet we are living in this reality. I struggle with the desire to plan our future together as husband and wife, when I truly know that we are not the ones in control of our future.
So now I try to live a little bit more in the moment; I try to be present and live in the here and now. I have realized that no life is guaranteed, not even the life of an unborn baby. Some days, that realization has me frantic with worry and afraid of who I could lose next and that fear makes it impossible to live in the moment. But with every sunrise comes a new day and a new chance to let go of that fear and try again. Every day I am trying my best and it’s all I can do.
“What if you woke up today with only the things you were thankful for yesterday?”
Most of all, I try not to take my life for granted. I try to start each day with a grateful heart and be thankful for the simplest things in life. Mainly because I have seen what Lucia accomplished in her brief life given there is only one date marking her time here on earth. She had such a short time here and has made such an indelible impact on our lives. She has made me realize that I can do more with the time I have here in my life considering the change she has made in my life in such a brief time.
I had imagined a different future and a different identity as her mother. Instead of being the mother that gets to watch her take her first steps and reach different milestones in her life, I am the mother taking ‘baby steps’ in this new life without her. Every day I am letting go of what ‘should be’ and what ‘could have been’ and honoring what is; accepting today as it is. I am thankful for the time that we had with her. I am thankful for each day that I have the opportunity to take note of the little things in life and realize that the little things in life are what matter the most.