I don’t want to just survive. I want to thrive. It’s easier said than done, that much I know. There is a constant internal struggle going on and I have just been surviving.
A lot of people compare grief the waves in the ocean. At times the waves can be all consuming, spinning you into them and pushing your spirits down. Other times you find yourself riding the crest of the wave wondering when the wave will come crashing down.
But I’m hoping to build myself a life raft sometime soon. To be honest I’m not sure why I haven’t been able to yet. It’s not for lack of desire to because I’ve felt guilty for not being able to live my life when my baby Lucia didn’t get the opportunity to live her life. I know too that I am so impatient with myself. Part of me recognizes that I am back into how my life was before and that I had previously found purpose for myself by deciding to start a family with my husband. I think it’s hard in that way for it to be March 2017 and feel the same feelings I did in March 2016, except this time last year I was in school (I graduated in April).
While I completely agree with taking time to grieve, I know that there is no end to our grief. We will be grieving the loss of our daughter for the rest of our lives. At what point does ‘life after loss’ really begin to look more like life? When do we feel that the lie we tell others ‘I’m fine’ is no longer a lie?
I hope, at least for myself, that every day I am stepping forward into growth. That every day I am actively making an effort to be present in life and I hope I make Lucia proud. And I also accept that sometimes stepping back into safety is not being weak, but necessary. Maybe just in knowing this, I am on my way to building my raft. By accepting the fact that I need time to fall apart, I’ve felt been able to take a step back and admire the view. Not everything is perfect all the time and it is in the darkness that we can see the stars shining.