New Beginnings

So last week I had my first job interview after loss and from the time that I applied for the position I knew I was going to have to explain the gap of time between graduation in April and now. It has almost been a year since I peed on that magical stick and my dream came true. I’ve been feeling frustrated with myself and my emotions lately since it has almost been a year and I can’t help but be nostalgic about it.

So many times I have heard people say that women are ‘weak’ and that you should never cry in front of anyone – especially at work! So I was really not wanting to cry in the job interview. I didn’t want to avoid the topic, but I wasn’t completely sure on how to approach the subject in a professional manner. My interview did go really well and I felt pretty good about it. She did ask about the gap in time since I graduated. I started by saying that I was 8 weeks pregnant when I had graduated and that I had gone on interviews when I was pregnant, but that they weren’t interested because of that. And then I just stopped talking and I started to tear up. It happened…exactly what I didn’t want to happen and you know what? It wasn’t the end of the world; all of my stress and anxiety about it was for nothing. I wasn’t weak for crying. I was strong for sharing; strong for picking myself up and living again in a life I didn’t plan for myself. I was happy that she didn’t pry or ask questions, but simply understood that the conversation had ended. I remember her saying that it was okay, and I remember her saying the words ‘character building‘. I have just always feel bad for people that ask not knowing. And then I’ve learned to dread the questions because I feel like when someone hears that you were ready to have a child that you were so close and lost them, their answer is usually you must want to try again or you can have another child. And just like that they seem to want to minimize your loss, like you just lost a pregnancy and not a baby. So I was pretty happy that we were able to focus on the job and my abilities. I was happy that they were respectful of me for not being able to talk in the moment about everything that gap on my resume entailed.

My ring still doesn’t fit, but I wore it anyway. I wanted to have both my loves with me.

I got a phone call on Friday that I got the job. So today I went to pick up my parking pass since the location is downtown. I had been struggling to get myself into a routine and I had wanted to be able to do that for myself and not just because I had obligations. I really struggled with sleeping normal hours, eating regular meals, doing my hair, doing my makeup, etc. And I felt like establishing a routine would be the best thing for my healing and that I would really be able to value my time and make the most of life.

Since I will be working both jobs, my current job at the restaurant part-time and my new job at the law office full-time, I took some time (it was actually a lot of time) today to prepare meals for the week. I went out to buy groceries after picking up my parking pass and went home to cook and bake. I made so many things just to make it easier on myself for my first week doing both. Since it is my choice to work both jobs, I don’t think my husband should have to eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the week. (He wouldn’t mind, but I would!) So I made bolognese sauce, oatmeal date squares, 6-ingredient granola bars (similar to Lara bars), berry goat cheese salads (with homemade strawberry vinaigrette), fruit and yogurt parfaits and I cut up meat and cheese for homemade ‘lunchables’. So I am ready for the week and I have no excuses now to not be on a better routine.

Sure, my routine now is not completely on ‘my time’, but I am grateful to have a new purpose and an opportunity to make a routine for myself since I have been unable to get back into things on my own. So tomorrow I will start the day fresh and start my new position. I can’t help but feel like this time last year someone special began her life with us and now she is giving me something special. I’m hoping the day is easy on me.

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