This month is a tough one and I apologize; I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus lately since starting my new job. This month in general is difficult for me. I know it’s only April 12th and there is still hope for this month, but I haven’t been feeling it.
Time and dates have always been important to me. I enjoy making scrapbooks documenting every moment of our life, even when I don’t always have the time to do so. I think that’s why it’s so hard to reminisce now; to remember how I was feeling months ago, a year ago, etc. So when April 1st came and it hit me like a tonne of bricks. I found out last year that I was pregnant on April 1st, although I was certain 1-2 weeks before, on April 1st I got confirmation. It was beyond exciting. I suppose it sounds irrational, but when you’re pregnant (at least it was the case for me) I felt like I was living in a dream. So naive of me, but honestly it’s how I felt.
On April 18th I had my first ultrasound and for the first time we got to see our tiny 6-week-old baby. We proudly shared the first picture of her with our moms and siblings. It all feels like lifetime ago now and it’s even getting hard to remember. I had wanted to make a scrapbook for Lucia; documenting her ‘birth story’ and what life was like while I was pregnant, etc. I thought it would be a nice thing to do for her while I was off on maternity leave. The copies of the ultrasound pictures that I had printed on the Kodak machine while I was pregnant still remain in the closet.
My grief has amalgamated every blissful memory with the pain of our loss. That’s something I struggle with and I truly despise. I didn’t want the pain of our loss to cast a shadow over every moment I had with her. I want to be able to separate the pain of losing her and the blissful, perfect love we have for her. And there is also the regret of wishing I had really enjoyed my pregnancy, but I felt so uncomfortable and in a rush for her to get here. I didn’t get maternity photos either since I felt like there would be a plethora of photos of Lucia when she was here; plus I’ve always felt like the majority of maternity photos look like they should belong on the ‘awkward family photos’ website.
Mainly, I guess that my real regret is that I wasn’t able to live in the moment during my pregnancy. I was living for December 10th; Lucia’s expected arrival. I’m sure too it’s completely normal, that not every woman truly enjoys every moment of their pregnancy. I was always so tired and I was just ready for her to come. I wasn’t so focused on enjoying being pregnant, but rather being healthy; I was just ready to hold her in my arms and to change her diapers. I was ready to fill out her birth registration. I was ready for her first birthday. I still have a 3-month supply of diapers in her bedroom and probably a year supply of everything else. It’s hard to look at her clothes now, especially the 18 month-old outfits, only for the fact that they now feel like evidence of my belief in her future that no longer exists. I struggle with the fact that I believed her life was guaranteed and it had never occurred to me that this would be our reality.
It’s hard too because now I don’t want to have any further regrets in life. I want to be present and to live in the moment, but every day is a struggle. I am not so present and I haven’t been myself. I guess I need to accept the fact that I am myself. I will not be unchanged by the life and death of our daughter; I don’t want to be unchanged either. It’s just not the life I imagined. I guess it’s just realizing that I am not only mourning our daughter Lucia, but also the future that would have been as well as the previous person I was.