I’m not sure why it surprises me to still find myself crying in the bathtub at the end of a day still in disbelief of our reality. Maybe I’m not coping and I have yet to accept what has happened or maybe this is just the truth of what life looks like now after loss. I still have moments where I am lost for words; dumbfounded by the things that people say. “But you were 8 months pregnant,” or “A baby can normally survive outside of the womb at 34 weeks.” Their words still sting and sometimes still I find myself retreating from conversations with people I haven’t seen since we lost the baby.
I hate that too; ‘since we lost the baby’. As if we misplaced her in Walmart, but it sounds a lot nicer than ‘since our baby died.’ Maybe that’s just because ‘baby’ and ‘died’ don’t feel as if they should belong in the same sentence. But it’s reality hitting all over again, the ebb and flow of grief, crashing in like waves. It brings me back to that grey, rainy day in October, with the rain streaming down the windows of our car and the world felt like it had stopped turning. Sometimes I am shocked at how well I am doing, but I never really feel like I am doing so well. I guess I shouldn’t be so harsh and lessen my expectations of myself. I am doing well if I believe it for myself. Every day that I wake up and don’t choose self-pity, I am doing well. I’ve been frustrated because I’ve only had to energy to maintain myself and sometimes even maintaining is a struggle.
I’m not sure why I feel like this month is more difficult than any other, but I’m sure with just that notion I’ve brought some truth to it. Having found out we were expecting April 1, 2016 and my birthday being April 10th, I felt like Lucia was our birthday surprise and lately it’s just been different milestones I didn’t expect to be marking.
I’ve made time to have fun too and I try to enjoy myself. Last weekend I made a unicorn mug with my nieces and a few lovely ladies at 4Cats in St. Catharines. Two of the rules were ‘No big deal’ and ‘You have to have fun.’ They seem like rules I need to live by. Not sure I am good at either of them, but it was really fun and I think it might be something that I would like to do again. I feel like it would be a better time if you could enjoy a glass of wine and some better music than the children’s movie soundtracks, but it’s hard to top off ceramics, even with a glass of wine and different music. I will have to post pictures of our mugs once they have been fired in the kiln.
Earlier this month I kept asking myself, “How do you feel alive again after giving birth to death?” I’m not even sure where it came from, but I haven’t felt alive since our loss. I was thinking that the answer would be to give birth to life. It’s not something I am prepared to face yet. I’m not sure if or when I will be ready to try again. I hate when people ask too, as if ‘try again’ means we failed the last time or that it’s even any of their business. As if having another child replaces the last. As if having a baby will magically heal your heart. I know that it won’t and that every milestone will be bittersweet. Happy and joyous one minute and in the same minute equally devastating to truly realize everything we missed with Lucia. But I think you feel alive again eventually on your own and that everyone’s journey is different. I do want to have a baby again, but I want to be able to fully enjoy the process and I am not there yet mentally. I am just making a point of making happiness a priority right now and trying not to focus on negativity. It’s definitely easier said than done when I have had only enough energy to maintain.