I’ve been having a lot of days. Not good days and not necessarily bad days, I have just simply been having a day. I’m guilty of existing, and not really living. It is an out-of-body experience to be pregnant one day and have nothing the next. It’s unexpected especially after spending eight months planning her arrival. It’s definitely hard in ways that I didn’t expect, but I am proud of myself for how far I have come in the last few months.
I do want to move forward in life and not always be harping on our loss, but the reality is that Lucia was our child and she will never be forgotten. I think the hardest part for me lately has been engaging in social environments. I’ve been sheltering myself a bit too long, hiding from people’s words because I know all to well that people talk without thinking. It was really hard to work at the restaurant and be forced to talk with customers. One customer started off by saying something like, “Weren’t you pregnant last year?” and the conversation ended with her saying, “but you were really far along.” As if being at a certain point in your pregnancy makes you suddenly immune to bad things happening to you. I wish I could be that naive again.
I knew it would be hard when the weather got nice to see others outside with their babies, but I didn’t expect it to be as hard as it is. It’s not that I am not happy for them and I don’t even know their path to get where they are today with their babies in their arms. It just stings that little bit more when you were so close to being in their shoes and suddenly, just like that, you aren’t.
I have been trying to get myself out there and try to socialize more. I am clearly not trying very hard, but summer is also really busy. I have more of a hard time meeting new people who don’t know. I guess because I am not really comfortable with crying in front of other people, even though it feels like that’s all I do the last (almost) eight months. Plus I have always been quiet around new people and in groups, but I feel like especially now others won’t have the best first impression. I’m sure I come off as very closed off, but it’s because I am. Every day I am guarding my heart, although I already feel it is broken. I just need time to heal and I need to have patience with myself.
Since we have been working on the basement the last few months to keep busy, I have been feeling a dark cloud over me constantly. I have this feeling that I should go through her room and pack things up. Maybe not pack up everything, but I should go through her clothes and put the things that I want to keep that I feel are hers and pack the rest of the clothes and things away for now. I just don’t like how I feel in her room. I just don’t like to feel like everything in her room is still waiting for her to come home. All the outfits she will never wear and hundreds of diapers and wipes packed into her dresser, all for the baby we didn’t get to bring home. It feels like a shrine and I feel like I need to close that chapter and turn a new page.
After I pack things away I want to paint her room. I found the paint chip that I picked for her room the other day and it brought me back to Lowes and thinking of how I wanted to raise our girl. As much as I wanted to pick a girly pink paint colour I went with ‘luna’ which is a pale green. I didn’t want to have any impressions on who she was, I wanted to create an environment for her to decide for herself. This girl I grew up with had an amazing bedroom full of lace and bunnies contained in pink walls. She absolutely hated it and it was her bedroom. I just wanted Lucia to have a room that she liked and could grow into. It’s nice that she has a space in our home right now, but she isn’t here and she has and never will be in the room.
I think when I am done that I need to make a new space that recognizes her place in our life now, be it a candle or a picture, I am not sure right now. I am thinking about getting a personalized Yankee candle with her photo and or ordering an art print that makes me think of her. My mom made me a box with her lock of hair and photos and the outfit/blanket that she had the day she was born is inside of it.
I’m not sure how to even do it, but I think it’s something that I have to do by myself. If anyone has any advice or has done this before, I think I just need a little extra love and support. It’s always nice to remember that there is always space for her in our hearts, but it’s hard to think at think that this time last year I was washing her clothes and carefully putting them all away in her room and a year later I am having to pack her things away. First step is going to Walmart or somewhere else to get some storage containers, but I am probably going to wait until after we go away up north.